Toxic (?) Positivity
My positivity has saved my life – literally…more than once.
In this season post the worst of covid (fingers crossed), post the most extreme international lockdowns (fingers crossed here too) and with most of us worldwide, facing big changes in lifestyle with our in-person face-to-face lives becoming mostly virtual and online; the term ‘toxic positivity’ is getting a lot of press.
This term never sat well with me. When I first admitted this to myself, I knew myself well enough to know that something was being mirrored for me and it would be a good idea to look into this (and myself) a bit deeper.
My research brought me face to face with my past – with dragons that had already been tamed but perhaps needed a bit more training.
What is it?
Before I tell you more about my dragons, here are some recently published definitions of the term if you’re not sure of the meaning of the term or (like me), need to be reminded):
· 1 Feb 2021 — Toxic positivity is the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset.
· 30 Mar 2021 — Toxic positivity is an obsession with positive thinking. It is the belief that people should put a positive spin on all experiences,
· 8 Sep 2021 — Toxic positivity involves dismissing negative emotions and responding to distress with false reassurances rather than empathy.
Why would any intelligent human choose this kind of behaviour? It seems, by definition, to contain elements of denial, narcissism and masochism too.
Perhaps my story with toxic positivity can shed some light… We become who we are through our formative experiences and mine were filled with contrast.
My Story with Toxic Positivity
My dad was raised to be stoic with his emotions and so my learnings from him were to mask all emotion, keep my responses to events and experiences tidy and presentable and not to ever rock the boat (whichever boat I might find myself on) with any kind of emotional ‘outburst’. This word – outburst – was used to describe any type of emotion really as the best and most acceptable state of being was one of quiet stoicism, showing just enough of a smile to make others feel comfortable whilst remaining as emotionally neutral as possible. The only time the proverbial boat was rocked, was with righteous anger – when he was ‘right’ and had anger to fuel the delivery of his message to whomever was the audience on that day.
My mom was raised in a cold war where certain individuals had more rights of expression than others. The result was that she had a healthy grasp on how she was feeling, had witnessed a multitude of ways to express feelings but didn’t always know when, how much or how little was appropriate. Because of her early life, my mom developed a passion for psychology and threw herself into knowing as much as possible about human beings and our behaviour. Through this journey, she evolved and grew her own emotional intelligence and she shared this with her spouse (my dad) and her children.
I developed a belief that I was quite well rounded and considered myself to be an emotionally intelligent being from a fairly young age. Having my own keen interest in human behaviour and living by a set of values that included integrity and growth, I also had a desire for constant improvement. This resulted in my own advancement in the area of emotional intelligence.
My Dragons
Allow me to introduce those dragons.
The story I have been weaving until now is only one very thin layer of a multi-dimensional life. Life experiences and traumas resulted in me creating self-limiting beliefs about myself and the world and my own inner critic developed a very interesting voice.
She took on the persona of the Positive Stoic. What does this look like? My inner critic believed that the key to life was to slap a smile on and carry on. Great advice right? Sometimes maybe, but definitely not always. Why not? Because this left me no room to fully experience my true emotions. Not only that, but with time I became so skilled at slapping that smile on, that I was completely out of touch with what I was really feeling. In addition, the smile was all about making the people around me feel safe and comfortable, so where was I in all of this? The smile was not alone – the smile was part of a package deal that included pristine personal grooming and co-ordinated dressing at all times, no matter what. This wasn’t ‘fake it until you make it’ – this was ‘fake it - at all costs’.
One emotion that would show up, at first now and again and then more and more frequently, was anger. No surprises here – my inner critic was silencing my true emotions and telling me that denial of emotion and a well-dressed smile for the world was the way to handle everything. The results were rather awful. I went from being a reasonably emotionally intelligent young woman, to being a smiling but seething woman who would lash out at those closest to me and now and again an unsuspecting stranger. This was stage 1.
Stage 2 was depression. The birth of my daughter brought so many emotions to the surface that I felt I might lose my grip on reality. Of course I felt this way because my inner critic had decided that I could control life best by ignoring my deepest emotions and smiling for the world. What a gift that eclectic basket of emotions could have been, had I allowed myself to feel them. However, I no longer felt equipped to handle the full array of emotion that dwelled within and that didn’t stop them from being there. This emotional chaos manifested in depression, which held me in a state of numbness that was both comforting and deeply disturbing at the same time. The first few years of my daughter’s life, I was running on auto-pilot.
My inner critic’s motto of ‘smile and carry on’ was clearly not working out for me. Something had to give and eventually it did. Of course there was so much going on in my life, that it was not just one thing that unravelled me. When I did finally unravel I did it properly and it took me completely by surprise.
I woke up one morning already crying. This confused me – how the hell was I crying whilst sleeping? This soon gave way to a MUCH more pressing concern – I was STILL crying and seemed incapable of stopping. I panicked, I rationalised, I got firm with myself, I panicked some more…I simply could not stop the tears from POURING from my eyes…I was in trouble.
Instead of looking within, I got up, got dressed, got as groomed as I could (all of utmost importance according to my inner critic) despite the tears still streaming and took myself to the doctor. The tears continued unabated all the way there and during the consultation. The doctor diagnosed me as being in the throes of a nervous breakdown. This HORRIFIED me. I was not a candidate for this level of weakness (forgive this statement, it came from that Positive Stoic – my own inner critic and this kind of harshness was reserved exclusively for myself). I was strong, I was capable, I was coping and smiling about life – I could NOT be having a nervous breakdown!
I had to admit it though, I was physiologically unable to stop crying and found myself rocking myself to self-soothe. In this state of sheer panic, I accepted the diagnosis and the prescription for really strong sedatives and mood stabilisers to be taken in conjunction with a few days of bed rest.
The medicine stopped the tears and also stole a few days of my life – I remember nothing. I slept and slept and somewhere deep within me, something was stirring… When I came out on the other side of the prescription medication, I knew in my deepest Self that something had to change. I had no idea what but something had to change.
My Turning Point
That year of my life was a major turning point for me and the beginning of a beautiful journey – the journey back to me.
I discovered that inwards is the only way out of any kind of challenge and also the only way through any storm to the other side – where the sunshine is.
I learned to truly love myself and to accept myself as I learned to know myself more and more each day.
I leaned that emotions are a beautiful part of being human and that it is possible to be my own number one without being a narcissist and causing damage to others.
Through reflection, therapy, workshops, books and seminars that brought about changes and adventures that include divorce, partying, writing my own book, love, loss, remarrying, becoming a coach and much more…I grew and continue to grow day by day.
I learned that the things that I feared most were not demons with the potential to destroy me that needed to be locked in the shadows; but rather they were dragons of my own creation that could be tamed and even relied on to enhance my value in the world – smiling or not. Some of them have even been released completely with only a fly-by every now and again as a reminder of where I have been.
Twenty years on and my commitment to living life in full, just grows by the day.
Authentic Positivity
Looking back, I know that I was caught in my own net of toxic positivity and I know why the term didn’t sit well with me. I also know that positivity and a positive mindset are beautiful traits, if built on a solid foundation.
Pain, loss, disappointment, grief…these are all very real parts of life that will not be dismissed by denial and toxic positivity but will continue to live alongside joy, ease, fulfilment and happiness, to enable authentic positivity to thrive.
Today, I am a very positive person and I still smile – a LOT. These days my positivity is rooted in my fullness of being, in self-knowledge, self-acceptance and deep self-love. My ability to find a positive spin on life and operate with a positive mindset is built on a strong foundation of deep joy and true happiness.
May you find the same – look within because all the answers you seek are inside you.
