Let it go…
Gifts from Illness Part 2
Remember the animated movie ‘Frozen’? There was a time a few years ago, when everywhere I went, the song ‘Let it go’ was playing. At the time I got sick of it and wished that the kids of the world would get over the movie, move on and I would not have to hear that song again. Yet, the simple title that held so much wisdom in three simple words, took root in my psyche - thanks Disney.
If you read my last blog, you might recall how Covid helped me remember the importance of rest. A big part of this process was acceptance - my chosen theme word for this year. My journey with acceptance has been a long and winding road which has led me in recent years to open fields of flowers, soft grass and an invitation to let it go and let it flow. For a number of years now, I have been playing with the concept of letting go of resistance and control, to enjoy more balance and flow. Covid stepped in to crystallise the learnings for me.
Here’s a snippet from memory to set the scene:
As I opened my eyes, I realised on some level that I was awake and yet how could I be? I couldn’t move much, the pain throughout my body and most intensely in my joints was so extreme - unlike anything I had ever felt. I was wet with perspiration and I felt confused by the lingering images in my mind - dreams? My heart was pounding so had and fast, it was the only thing I could hear. I was struggling to breath - why were my lungs not working? A few tears of self-pity and helplessness escaped my eyes as I tried to engage my thinking mind and make sense of everything. ‘Get up’ I thought but the stabbing pains in my head and neck that I hadn’t noticed before, due to the pain in the rest of me, held me down. ‘Oh my god, what is going on?’…as I lay there, slowly, very slowly, the facts of the days prior started to float to the top of my mind.
Ah yes, I was staying with my friends, we were supposed to be going away for a weekend in Wales but one of my friends had contracted Covid a few days earlier. I had tested myself last night - I had tested negative. I couldn’t have Covid - the test was negative. ‘Get up’ I thought again. This time I used everything I had in me to raise myself to a seated position. ‘Holy s*!t that was difficult.’ Huffing and puffing, I hauled myself up to go to the loo, realising along the way that the tears were actually 100% involuntary and pain-induced.
This was how it started. I had plans - I always have plans. It was okay to cancel our weekend in Wales (my friend was ill & she needed to rest and recover) but I had plans. Rearrange my office, gardening, amp up my fitness training routine, make an impact with my new consulting client, visit another friend whom I have only ever met online…the list goes on - I had plans. After shuffling into the day, my body possessed with pain unlike I have ever experienced before and my heart and lungs struggling just to keep me upright, I tested again. This time the test was positive - I had Covid. My plans? I watched as they fell away in my mind’s eye, like ice cream melting on a hot day. Usually I would have reached for my plan B and plan C as back up but this time, all I could do, all I had the power to do, was let it go. all of it. Everything. Let it go.
As I drifted in and out of feverish sleep, I would have fleeting thoughts of my ideas and plans and each time I would let it go. As I slept through the days when I would have been doing yoga, walking, visiting friends, working…I just kept letting it go. The earth was still turning and the world was carrying on, without me and my plans. Without my input, my activity, my ideas. The relief I felt was immense.
Being this ill brought me to a new level of understanding of my quest to ‘let it go and let it flow’. I can really let go and all will still be well. There is great beauty and power in creating, in taking action, in imagining and planning and ideating. There is equal beauty and power in letting go, allowing and just simply being.
The priceless gift in letting go, truly letting; is the reminder that I am enough - exactly as I am. Just as I came into this world - just me. Without having to do or be or create anything, I am enough, I am whole and complete, as I am.
As I slept through days of my life, allowing my body to heal, this deep internalisation of self-acceptance and self-acknowledgment washed over me more and more with every day. Living a life of purpose does not have to equate to doing great things. My purpose in life is to be me - that is all. I am enough. This is true for every single one of us. I am enough and you are too. As you are.
Yes, we are creative by design and yes, great things come from us when we apply action to our ideas and also - we are whole and complete and fulfilling our purpose just by being here.
Perhaps letting go facilitates this deeper level of self-love and this is what creates that sweet spot of balance between creating and being, between action and rest, between giving and receiving. It feels like it to me.
Thank you Covid - for reminding me let go, let it flow & just BE
